i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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