god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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