I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you had me at cake vodka
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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