I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
