i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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