please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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