i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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