he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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