He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
