she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
