yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
