M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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