Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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