im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
