i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
