He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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