can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
