allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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