I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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