I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
