Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
