when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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