My first STD was from a foam party
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dignity is for republicans.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
