my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
