ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
