She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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