Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
