The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So many bounce houses so little time
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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