Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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