Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
