using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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