Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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