I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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