good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
