i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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