Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize