Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
