i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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