if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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