Betty ford says i'm here all night
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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