I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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