Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
