mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
