My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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