I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
