new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
