I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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