I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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