I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
