Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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