we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
