Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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