i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
