She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
