Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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