JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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