u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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