He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
