I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
